Last night I cried a river of tears....

Maybe it was the time of year- I love fall but the end of summer is always sad. Maybe it was the fact that today my little baby is one month away from being a year old!. Maybe it was because my second baby started kindergarten last week. Maybe it was a result of reading all the blogs this past week about first days of school, growing up, memories of the past 10 years etc. Maybe it the fact that in a few months my oldest will turn eight and be baptized. Maybe it was packing up my three year old for a week vaction without her parents. But, whatever the cause last night I cried. It all started by trying to have a conversation with my husband. I was lamenting the fact that Jacob was getting so grown-up and wondering whether I really wanted a fifth kid or whether I was just sad the baby wouldn't be a baby forever. My husband was trying to watch the BYU/Utah football game from last year on his new mountain west channel. I never have understood why men feel the need to watch an old game over and over and over again. You already know who won- the cougars in this case. I can understand having it on in the background, but you don't need to give it your undivided attention. When I was asked him if he was paying attention to me, he responded by asking if I was paying attention to the game. Here is a part of the conversation that followed. Jared-"The BYU player just plowed into the Utah guy! That was great!" Me- I'm trying to talk to you, this is important" Jared- "I don't understand why you aren't watching the game, what can be better than watching a Utah guy get pounded?" At this point the foundation of my tear flood gate cracked. And despite my gallant efforts I found myself minutes later holding my sleeping baby and crying. Jared was flabbergasted. He didn't have any idea his comments were going to cause a flood of tears and in his defense I had no idea either. I was unaware of how close my emotions were to spilling over the top. Being the great guy that he is he turned down the volume (he didn't turn it off, but c'mon he his a guy so lets just give him props for lowering the volume) and we talked. After awhile we finally got to the root of the problem. I'm not dying to have a fifth kid, but rather lamenting how quickly each of my children have grown, and wishing I could rewind back into their little lives and hold each one a little longer each night, give one extra hug and kiss each day, nurse each child a little longer, and hold their hand a little longer as we walked along. Although I can't go back, I'll try harder as we go forward. I will try to savor each little moment a little longer as we move through this busy life. And if, in a few years, my Heavenly Father blesses me with another child I hope I'll remember to savor the precious moments while he/she is little. If my family is complete with four, I hope to do better at savoring the moments still to come and remember that the chore will never be completely done, but eventually the children will be grown and out on their own. There will be time enough for dusting and mopping then.