A letter to myself

Dear Terra,

Yesterday, as I found myself up to my elbows in dishes and laundry while wearing a t-shirt and sweats, I wondered what had happened to the girl I used to be. At what point did I become a slave to the timer placing my toddler on the potty every 20 minutes anxiously awaiting for the prized bowel movement. Instead of stimulating debates and intellectual conversations, my days are now spent teaching the ABC's to a preschooler. Was I really once an all-conference runner? What happened to the girl who had a BYU term paper nominated for publication? Where is the student who could correctly indentify most plants, and animals she came across. Did I really know every last detail of the photosynthesis and respiration cycles? I can vaguely remember looking forward to my genetics tests, like a detective turned loose on a fresh case, anxious to solve the mystery. Where did she go, and why did she take her skinny body with her? What about the goals she had, will they ever be realized? A Master's degree? A Doctorate? Will her education ever go beyond a Bachelor's degree? Will she ever get the chance to research plants in the Rainforest? Will there even be any Rainforest left to study in assuming she ever reaches that point? Will she ever get to run a marathon? (I am working on this one for her. I just have to hope the knees on this overweight body start cooperating!) Did I fail you, former self?

Then I glanced over at the toddler and preschooler playing in the same room as me. I saw their glowing smiles and precious faces. I felt the joy of their arms encircling my with hugs while plastering sticky kisses on my face. I contemplated their innocent spirits and their complete trust in me. I felt the weight of the responsibility that comes from being their mother along with being the mother of their two older sisters. It is my job to help them learn all that they can about things temporal and physical. It is my job to help them realize their Divine Nature. To teach them about God, his love for them, and his plan for them to return. It is my job to help them learn to love the earth they have been given as a home. To teach them to care for it. It is my job to teach them how to eat healthy and maintain an active lifestyle, to treat their bodies as temples. It is my job to instill a love for reading and learning in their minds. It is my resposibility to help them learn good from evil and instill a sense of integrity in them. It is my job to help them reach their highest potential so they can be the doctors, teachers, and leaders of tomorrow. It is my job to show them that being a parent is more important than any other title they may ever carry so that they can help the next generation raise to its potential. This is the legacy I can help leave.

I may not ever accomplish all the goals you set fifteen years ago. I may not ever be "important" through the eyes of the world. I may never again fit into my favorite pair of size 6 jeans I refuse to part with. I may not ever have more than a BS title after my name, but I will have the most important titles I can have on this earth: Mother, Mommy, Mama... I will know that despite all the things I didn't accomplish, I did the greatest thing I could on this earth, the thing the Lord most wanted me to do. I was a mother. So, if you ever feel frustrated and disappointed with what I have done with your life, remember that above all else a mother's purpose is to care, prepare, to nurture and to strengthen all her children. These are the goals I'm striving to complete for you. These are the goals that truely matter.